Becoming an empathetic seller doesn’t start with the buyer

There has been a lot of talk in the sales community about changing the way we sell, listening to our buyers and leading with empathy.

There are also a lot of questions about how to sell with empathy and, in turn, lots of resources popping up focused on it. 

The dictionary definition of empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

We also discover from leaders like Daniel Goleman, one of the pioneers in Emotional Intelligence, that there are different types of empathy—cognitive, emotional and compassionate.

Cognitive - standing in others’ shoes and seeing their point of view

Emotional - feeling others’ emotions and sitting in it with them

Compassionate - feeling others’ emotions and doing something to help them

Back to why this is important for selling right now:

“Empathy enables us to establish rapport with another person, make them feel that they are being heard… which can further cement a connection.” - Psychology Today 

But HOW to sell with empathy?  

I’m going to go against what most are suggesting right now and say that after several hundreds of hours of reading, learning, training, coaching, being coached, implementing behavior change and learning how to help others do the same, it’s clear that a strong empathetic seller doesn’t start with their buyer. They start with themselves.  

Most of us have been taught to completely ignore our emotions, especially uncomfortable ones, which is what most of our customers are feeling right now.  

Did you know there were this many words to describe emotions?  (image below)

Did you know that these emotions show up for all of us differently based on things that we’ve experienced in the past?

Did you know that each emotion creates a physiological response in our bodies? 

Nine to ten years ago, I couldn’t tell you that because I learned to ignore my emotions.  It felt easier than addressing the build up of crap that I didn’t want to deal with. And frankly, I was good at it.        

This is why leaders like Dr. Travis Bradberry, Jean Greaves and Daniel Goleman talk about Self-Awareness first in their work with emotional intelligence.    

My suggestion to becoming an empathetic seller:

Start with learning, understanding and being able to manage your own emotions first.

Simply doing things like:

• Becoming aware of your emotions and where they came from.

  • Hmmm. I’m frustrated. Why? Because I missed the train, that guy cut me off, my coffee took too long.  

• But where did they really come from?

  • I’m feeling out of control with everything going on right now.  

• Calling them by name.

  • Frustration stems from anger.  

• Identifying where they show up in your body.

  • My heart is beating faster, my teeth are clenched. 

• Identifying how you react to them. 

  • I’m walking faster, I’m bumping into people, I’m thinking about how frustrated I am over and over again. 

• Identifying if you carry them throughout the day.

  • I’m being short with everyone.  

• Deciding if that emotion deserves all of that energy.

  • I need all of my energy to show up fully and sell - gotta let this go.  

• Figuring out your tools to let it go.

  • Deep breaths, walk around the block, listening to music.  

The great part is this is a Two birds, One stone situation.

You get to stay healthy and sell like a pro because you’re taking care of yourself AND you actually understand how your customers feel. That way, when they tell you they are frustrated, you genuinely feel where they are and you can start asking meaningful, genuine questions.